Korben Jason

Four years ago today, Korben entered our world, faster than I hoped for, but not faster than Daddy was able to drive us to the hospital. Labor occurred so quickly the nurse had to ask me "Honey what is your name"? 
My mom arrived just in time to see him enter the world and was able to cut the cord just as she did for Brodie. (Jason was happy to pass the honors on).

I wish I could put into words the connection I felt during this experience with Jason, but it's beyond any words that come to mind.
I will be always grateful for the connection that little baby has given us. Jason is our protector, he is strong, smart and logical to a fault. What better traits to pass on to his name sake.

Korben loves outside adventures, dancing with mama, water, anything that flies, drives, or travels by rail. Books, dragons. Cheese burgers, french fries & pizza pops, ring pops and anything made with chocolate.
Football, friends, Grandmas, Grandpas and Uncle Shayne.

Brodie is his best friend, his hero, and guardian angle xo
and I am the Mama, the best name I have ever been called.


Take a look at how our little man has grown this year:

Happy New Year 2013

Summer Vacation

Fall Fun

If Brodie can do it so can I

My snuggle buddy

Brothers

Perfect and Beautiful

                                                    kristen heather

Normal responses to abnormal situations

This post was never published from April 2013:

The end of April marked 1/2 a year since the first car accident, with the boys. It took almost 6 months to feel the emotional fog lift. If I tried to describe it, I felt like I was wrapped in tight plastic, with little space to move, and no way out.
I had wished I could go back to the way it was before. My doctor said that is a common thing she hears but in reality life was not completely perfect before October.

I still don't understand why there was such a huge emotional impact from this experience, we all walked away from the car.... Professionals keep saying its trauma and it takes time. There are so many people who have shared past experiences of car accidents, from years and years ago but the memory of the fear seems to be very clear in their minds.

There have been positives that have come from seeing a doctor every two weeks, medical issues that were never diagnosed are now are being treated. 
I'm also learning to think about "thinking" and let go of the "should of" "could of" mindsets.
My sensory systems are better, I watch tv again, can read more than a paragraph of a book.
I no longer need meds to sleep.
My mind has slowed down and I can process one thing at a time..most days. I still avoid tasks I don't enjoy but maybe that is procrastination or a little self care.

I'm still experience pain and staying in the same position for long periods of time is difficult. 

I'm ok with answering the question " How are you?"
I started to say yes to activities I was avoiding.
I also started to say no to treatment that I didn't feel supported me as a whole, (doing that  for myself was a turning point)

My anxiety is better, my heart still drops at car accidents, emergency vehicles, black tire marks on the highway, but I know all stories don't have bad endings.
God has proven that as one door closes another one opens, just trust him.
                          xo kristen heather

10 months later....

I was at the doctor this week, I had to smile as I walked out after being told I don't need to return for 3 months! My full time return to work will start in September.

With a little push from my bestie I started to see an athletic therapist who practices Osteopathy: 

"A strong focus of the Canadian College of Osteopathy is its emphasis on Clinical Methodology."

"Through extensive training and experience the Osteopathic Manual Practitioner understands that the site of the patient's complaints may not correspond to the site of the cause, or causes, of these complaints. In addition, many people have had multiple overlapping injuries and conditions. In response to these common conditions, the Osteopathic Manual Practitioner assesses and treats the whole patient. The Osteopathic Manual Practitioner considers the whole patient, recognizing that each has mental and emotional conditions as well as physical." 

Although one of the stranger experiences I have had in my 41 years I am seeing results after a total of 6 motor vehicle accidents since 2000. 

I have also learned to accept that life keeps going with the good the bad and the ugly....my original wish to just go back to how it was before, I can now see all the life lessons I would of missed, on top of all the gains I've made medically and emotionally. 

When I first returned to work there was a push for me to complete some mandatory training that all levels of government take.... I pushed it off stating there was no way I could sit for a whole day, I took the training last week which included an afternoon focused on trauma.... Which screams to me some people really don't get it, the push to take the course in January was based on a to do list, with no consideration of the trauma I just went through. Car accidents are one of the main factors listed. (On my return I had to explain that my accident had impacted me on more than a physical level..... when placed in a situation where my children could of died, I was still healing on many levels). 

The acute episodic trauma list also included the death or serious illness of a parent, my dad goes for surgery tomorrow for basel carcinoma. ( People wonder how my boys stay so pale in the summer I dip them in sunscreen). 

My moms Alzheimer's is progressing quickly. My heart broke when she refused to come with my brother to Brodie's football game last week because she was waiting for her mother to pick her up...my grandma been gone for more than 15 years.

So during my training when I read " perceive responses to trauma as normal responses to abnormal situations I got it. 

I'm thankful that I can stand stronger today despite the fact that life does keep going even when we want it to slow down or stop. Buckle your seat belt, put on your sunscreen, trust God and the people you have chosen to walk this journey with.

                    kristen heather

Born to Believe

I have been trying to make sense of recent events in my life, that have been challenging.

On Wednesday I was tending to my garden and listening  Born to believe, by GBS

"We are the difference between the present and the past

We are the distance between the first and last.
My life will be unlimited and full shall be my past.
I am ready, I am willing, and I’m able for the task.
I was born to believe
I was born to belie-e-eve
We are one; we are strong;
We can sing a different song;
Let the right shine through the wrong
We’re all here where we belong"

I feel these lyrics hit may points of the foundation of who I am.

People matter, from a young age I stood up for what I felt to be true and fair. No one told me to I needed to.

  

As an adult I've been called an advocate, compassionate, and intense.  

I did ask for clarification on the the last one here is the kind response "i 

didn't mean "intense" in a negative way ... like: a. Deeply felt; profound: intense emotion.

b. Tending to feel deeply: an intense writer. ( yes I did  cut and paste that out of a message!).

That is me, and I do feel deeply which is a challenging way to live in a world that doesn't come with bumper pads.

 One voice can make a difference! 

As an adult I have learned that my voice can be a whisper of encouragement, or  laughter of pure joy, a prayer or a lullaby all can demonstrate my belief in you. The voice that projects a positive message to you has just as much of an impact, me.

But there are times when I can see a need not being met or a lack of understanding that has become a risk or a threat and I will not walk away or pretend I didn't see, because I do believe  there is a reason God has crossed our paths.

"We're all here where we belong"

                                                                               

                           
                                                             "And we can sing a different song" 

                                          kristen heather

What you have given me

Growing up my mom did it all, she was a mother, a wife, a professional.
Weekends I remember music playing and she cleaned and washed clothes. Sundays she ironed and made Sunday dinner that included a dessert.

I don't remember her looking overwhelmed or worrying about a mile long to do list. The house was always tidy.
As I got older if I wanted my clothes washed they needed to find their way to the laundry room. Later she taught me how to use the machines. If I wanted the over priced jeans she gave me the amount she was willing to spend and I came up with the difference.
She packed my lunch with care and creativity. Birthdays were always a big deal and she would always have you pick the menu since it was your day.

My first year of University costs were split in 1/2 and after that I saved 1/2 of every pay cheque to pay for every year that followed.
For a number of years she was also my employer, if I called in sick I better be dying and she was hard core with my staff evaluations.
When I told her I wanted to change my major in university and stay in child care she sat me down in her office and gave me all the pros and cons so I could make an informed decision.

In January 2003 I miscarried my 1st pregnancy at 12 weeks. Jay and I hadn't planned the baby but we were both heart broken. After that everything in me changed and all I wanted was another chance. At the hospital they said go home and try again.

Mother's Day that year I told my mom how all I wanted was to have a child as we walked around a greenhouse. Jay and I were not married, and my mom is pretty conservative so when she said well have a baby I was shocked.

Brodie was born 9 months later.

My mom was with us during both of the boys births and Jay let her cut the cord both times.

My mom came over and helped me bath Brodie for the first time. When my mom looked after Brodie she also cleaned which was such an amazing gift. She also dropped off groceries during my mat leave.

My mom doesn't cook anymore, she couldn't remember how to brew coffee the last time I dropped by. I often cannot follow parts our phone conversations because words are jumbled and content doesn't flow. I struggle with calling and visiting because it breaks my heart. I have so much guilt because I said I would do more and I don't know how too without falling to pieces, afterwards.

My Dad and brother don't blame me, we are all struggling, including my mom who knows she is loosing herself, day by day.

The reality is none of us saw Alzheimer's coming.

I am truly grateful for the strength my dad and Shayne are providing, during a time that I don't know how.

I can take all the life lessons she has given me and pay it forward to my sons.

Happy Mother's Day Mama
Xo kristen heather

Take my hand and I will follow

It is so quiet here in the winter. I have reminded Brodie a few times that the "animals" lived here first... Jay and I listened to something snorting in the dark this summer while we were hanging out on the deck.... which turned out to be deer. Frogs stick to the windows in the summer because bugs are attracted to the light coming from inside. Jay walked out onto the deck and a frog ended up inside another night. A bear took trash off the front steps and raccoons drag trash out of the truck....
I love seeing the deer standing in our driveway, the cows and the 1 horse that live at the end of the street.
What I didn't enjoy was waking in the middle of the night to the sounds of children at the beach........ I thought I was dreaming of children at the beach but then Meadow woke us.... Jay was talking about coyotes.... could I see them? I couldn't see anything, I didn't even want to think about it never mind see them....but why do I hear children Jay? That's what they sound like... I checked it out today on YouTube how creepy.

Today the boys and I were walking around and we found all sorts of tracks in the snow. Let us know if you can identify any of them.

This is one of the deer paths we follow, they always walk in
line through deep snow.

These ones are weird they are spaced apart larger than an adult foot step

Looks like many came from different directions

We are reminded often these days about the impact of our carbon footprint, today I encourage you to look at the path you are traveling, will you leave a mark? Will others follow in your footsteps? When is the last time you stopped and looked around? I believe it's never too late to change direction.

kristen heather

Feel good things for me......

I think we all have stuff that makes us feel good, here are a few things that make my life calmer or happier or just feel good.....

1. Straws.....I like to drink through straws, its calming. After our car accident I was constantly thirsty, I tend to drive with ice water even in -25 weather.

2. We are a blanket family, although it drives me crazy when the boys drag their blankets off the beds through the house. Jay is right when he says I created the blanket monsters.

Jay hates when I gush over him so when I blog it he cannot even read it....but I knew he truly loved me when he had a dream about this blanket that I always napped with. (It had been my Grandmas and it was falling apart but I still loved it.) In the dream he had to save the blanket. The crazy thing is I still have it, its not usable anymore but I have not been able to part with it.....I do have plans to use pieces of it in a blanket that will one day be sewed out of the boys baby clothes.

3. I love my phone, it is sadly my good friend that I feel lost without. I have no idea how women parented without cell phones.....what did the school do when you were out of the house.....maybe that's why there were school nurses?? I am an iPhone lover/owner. Even though auto-correct and siri has called me all sorts of names.... The APP I use the most is overdrive that allows you to down load books for free from the library. I have been addicted to audio books forever and now I just need WiFi to load my phone, to keep me company during my commute

4. After reading a post from Pretty Organized about using your special keepsake treasures, rather than hiding them for a special occasions. I pulled out this sugar bowl, that belonged to my sweet neighbor Nan. When she moved, it was gifted to me. Not only did it belong to Nan it is also the pattern my Grandma collected so it is a wonderful reminder each day of 2 amazing women. 
I asked my brother if he recognized the pattern the last time he was here and he did.

5. Before Christmas Brodie was asking lots of questions about the Bible so I went in search of a book for him. We end each day reading a one page daily devotion, that is age appropriate, real life examples that are supported by God's word. I may not be 8 but I love the lessons and reminders it providing both of us.

6. Here is another Grandma Jessie thing... I'm not sure why but ever since she passed away I always think of her when I find pennies.
After our car accident I was finding pennies everywhere. I realized awhile back that Brodie talks about her like he knows her... But they never met.

In the last 7 years I have learned so much about how and why children need to regulate themselves. You will instinctively find what calms you. Children do it all the time in a world that keeps telling them to sit still and keep their hands to themselves. Without regulation there is no focus if you are 4 or 44.
I just started to learn about mindfulness, which uses your breathing as a focal point I had to laugh its the one thing that you won't forget at home or leave in your other bag. It doesn't cost you money and no one is ever going to tell you to stop.

kristen heather

The Plan

The plan was for me to start back to work tomorrow..... January 2, 2013, half days every second day to start..........because the return to work plan was not completed my doctor has told me to wait....

The plan was to buy a new car....... but my dislike to the idea of a car payments, Jay and his dad will fix my Toyota.

The plan was my mom would start a new medication with a gradual scheduled increase so she could function day to day........since December we have had a many days that she does not recognize my dad as her husband.

The plan was to always be strong and not scared of what lies ahead............my mom is sick and that has changed everything


The plan is to return to work when I am ready
The plan is to keep making good money decisions that make me comfortable


The plan is to follow my brothers lead and be strong, to educate ourselves about dementia and find people who have walked this road before us
The plan is to keep communicating and supporting each other
The plan is to love and remember its the disease, not my Mama
The plan is to find a way to grieve, to plan, to enjoy what time we have
The plan is to be as honest as possible with Brodie
The plan is to let people in
The plan is to Let go and Let God

kristen heather

This is the trolls house

Mama can we get a turtle?

Brodie told us this is called a monkey cup, they fill with water and the monkey drinks out of

 Jan 2/13: My Mom was reassessed yesterday with blood work they think she is having a negative reaction to her medication she has been on for a month..... Which could explain the month if craziness
new drug being tried keep your fingers crossed......
Jan 15/13 My mom is doing amazingly well...God is good